Monday, November 19, 2012

Reflections

I've said many things before. I've shared my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations, where I want to be, and I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you want them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure.

Life is funny sometimes. It can push pretty hard, kicks you down & beats you up. Especially when we let it. And you can always think of reasons to give up. But those are choices we have to deal with everyday. 

It gets pretty intricate when the choices you make affect others too.

People are going to disappoint you; I get that. But what if you wake up one day & realize that you're the disappointment?

Things aren't always going to be fair in the real world, that's just the way it is, but for the most part you get what you give. What's worse: not getting everything you wished for or getting it but finding out it's not enough?

I can think of so many moments that will forever be a part of me. Even bad ones. You can't really choose what is going to change you, and shape you, and stun you.. but you can change who you are after. I think the hardest thing to do is to not be jaded by the bad times and still believe.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

The things I want to say but never could

I think I'm pretty good at it now. Saying it over and over again. It's the only thing I've done well for the past 10 months. In fact, it's the only thing I know how to do in the past 10 months!

This year has been a year of challenges, a real test of resolve. A year that's proven to be a humbling, yet rewarding experience. However, I constantly find myself caught in 2 minds: To go on & tread a path to endless possibilities, of which, one could be failure. Or... to say "enough!" & go back to the mundane securities of employment. The motivation for both ideals vary from what I want & what I need.

I want a life, a future, that's not bound by financial restrictions. But at an "old" age of 31, I need a life that's stable.. now. There are things & a very important person I want in my life at this moment. My heart aches for both ideals and yet, only one can be attained in the short-term. I know rushing things won't do any good.. to me or the people around me. As the situation stands, it's been stressful beyond imagine. With no outlet I can afford to release my tensions to. No holiday to ease the mind. No one to work with, to call a colleague. No one to share the workload. There's just work and worry in a 200 sq. ft. enclosed office with no window. I enjoy the process, the experience, the opportunity to build something for myself & for the future. But it's so darn difficult. I know that without this "difficulty" there wouldn't be any value in success.. whenever it may be.

My mind often wanders in between what might have been and what will be. I'm confused. I constantly find myself breaking down in silence and waking up at night literally sweating in fear of tomorrow. I anger easily. I lose control. I cry. I become paranoid almost automatically. I hurt inside & plaster the cracks with a smile. I keep all this feelings & frustrations under lock and key despite them screaming to come out. I bury my sorrow deep within my soul, thinking that this is the noblest thing to do. And so, I've lost myself. Life can come out at us from the darkness. And at times we struggle to find the courage to face it.


What could be worse? - I've pushed the one person I've truly ever loved further & further away by taking out my frustrations and my selfish, twisted jealousies on her. Just because I'm unable to enjoy what life has to offer now, doesn't mean you should not as well. There can never be a greater injustice to one individual. And I'm guilty of it.

I know that you're reading this & I don't know if what I'm doing now is the right thing to do. I'm prepared for the consequences, whatever they may be. But I need to get this off my chest & writing is what I've always done best. All I know is I owe you a sincere apology because I do not want to lose what we use to have. You have been supportive, understanding and tolerant throughout all this. You have loved unconditionally and it has been my bedrock, my strength.. I fear nothing. You are a shining example of an A-class partner. These have been your greatest trademarks. Values which I fell for & appreciate very much.

Therefore, I hold both my hands up and say "I'm sorry dear". I know it doesn't make up for the many things you had to go through, but I hope it will go some way in making a fresh start. The look in your eyes not only reflects hurt but disappointment as well. I want you to know that it causes me so much pain to look into those same hazel brown eyes which had enthralled me these 3 years. So just 3 simple words won't do. An apology is nothing without remorse. I will change. I need to. Being your (super)man, I must! I live my life not only for myself. You know, I used to believe in that, and now, I have to believe in it again. Life is tough at the moment. It's pushing pretty hard. But it's time I take a step outside of the person I've been these past few months & remember the person I was meant to be. The person I wanted to be. The person I am.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Just 1

So she's off to Korea on a company trip.. and I'm stuck here in Penang.

For the most part, I'm happy coz it's gonna be an opportunity for her to see new places, experience new tastes, and just break free from everything here for the moment. Besides, she deserves it after what she's been through in the past 10 months! And that's what I constantly tell myself too in between my incessant worrying & sleepless nights.

But in reality, this is the loneliest I've been for a long, long time. 

If you think this entry is meant to reflect my clingy-ness & pathetic wallowing in self-despair at being left at home, then it is far from it. Instead it is an appreciation for someone whose presence makes my world meaningful.


We often take the people around us for granted & only realize how important they are until we find ourselves without them. Not me. I know how important she is. And I miss it. I miss everything about her... her laugh, her smile, her innocence,the warm feeling of her palm on my cheek, her fingers running through whatever hair I have left on my head, even her bite on my shoulders, everything. When she's around, everything just falls into place; chaos becomes control, and life has meaning beyond your own. I see things differently. I think differently. And I act with regards for others. I become more than just a man, I become a person of value.

We underestimate the influence of 1 person. But it usually only takes 1 person to affect the course of a life or a lifetime. Even the history books will tell you that's true - Helen of Troy, Joan of Arc, Nefertiti of Egypt, just to name a few. 

There are close to 7 billion people in the world at the moment. But right now, all I need is 1.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

A series of unfortunate events

Here I am, writing an entry, hoping that everything will go smoothly from here on.

Where do I even begin?

For starters, I woke up to the nice smell of sausages with freshly cooked scrambled eggs & melted cheese only to find out that we had no bread to eat it with. And so I waited for the delivery guy (my younger brother) to buy a loaf from the 7-11 store only to finally have my breakfast which by now was cold & icky.

This was then followed by my routine 30-minute exercise and fitness session which I've neglected for a week. Healthy right? Only problem was I sprained my back slightly as I was just into the first 10 minutes. Damn!

Next up was work. A scheduled meeting couldn't be that bad... except that the event I am currently working on is not getting the response I had hoped for & could possibly end up being scraped!!! A change of plans perhaps? *Sigh*

After that, I made my way down to the MPPP to pay my parking fine despite many telling me not to. Afterall, the officer who issued the ticket said I would just have to pay RM7.50 if I settled the fine within 7 days. Why not eh? When I got to the counters, I had 20 people before me waiting.. at 10.30am!!! Doesn't anyone work? Luckily the counters were efficient & within 30 minutes (or less) it came to my turn. The young lady at the counter then told me the fine was RM10. Ohhhhkayyy... I told her the officer said it was only RM7.50 if I paid within a week. She said that's true, but the date I was supposed to pay on was yesterday. Fine! RM10 it was then.. no big deal.

At this point, I was still being optimistic about how the day would pan out.

I arrived safely at the office and went about doing my work, thankfully without any further fuss. Lunch time proved another matter altogether. As I packed up for lunch, I was also bursting to go to the toilet. And when I got in to do my business, the zipper wouldn't budge! The darn thing was stuck. By now I was consumed by hunger & the need to pee.. badly! Anyway, I tugged and pulled and finally it budged! The excitement was short-lived as it only came down a quarter of the way, leaving me to wriggle out of my pants to heed nature's call. It was not a pretty sight but I'll leave that to your vivid imaginations.

A quick lunch was followed by more work at the office. Usually I'd take a walk out for a good few minutes at least every hour to stretch. During one of these walks I suddenly realized the other guy that I was sharing the office unit with had locked me in! And he had applied the combination lock on the front door. Arrrggghhhh!!!! Thank goodness I have a beautiful saviour to come rescue me.

Now I'm just waiting for my saviour and praying nothing else happens.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

The storm

I can feel the weight bearing down on me,
Breaking my back
Slowly, painfully, surely
How do I know when
is it time for me to put it down?

I'm duty-bound
by words,
by deeds,
by promises
All of which have not come to pass
I am ashamed
for it was made of hope
and in great passion,
not in haste & ignorance

So I push on
into the storm
my body ravaged by the wet & cold
as the raindrops beat mercilessly on my body
My fingers are numb
my legs sore
my mind disillusioned
"I must go on!"

And then, I look back
and see
wolves preying
lurking,
waiting in the dark
some in sheep's clothing
to pounce on my possessions
like cattle to the slaughter
They care not
who you are
as long as appetites are whetted

At the crossroads
I look forward
and know the risks
But I look back
and know I risk even more

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Being Peter Pan

What sort of boy is Peter Pan? The kind whose coming causes winter to flee and flowers to spring into bloom, whose sorrow causes the clouds to curl and the seas to wail, and whose sheer joy causes the sun to rise after a long night. He's sharp, wild, and tempestuous. He can crow in joy, wail in despair, and steel himself in heartbreak. He’s easily offended, but quickly forgives. Death holds no horrors for him, but loneliness is unbearable. He knows endless ways to fight and escape the pirates, but can’t acknowledge his own emotions, which are begging him to let them grow into maturity, to usher him into adulthood.




I am sure I am not the only one who, as a boy, longed to be Peter Pan and live forever in Neverland. In a way we're very much alike. But there is always a tragic, melancholic tint to the end of his story. By refusing to leave Neverland and grow up, he denies himself true love and the true potential which he has - which irks Wendy. She is entranced by Pan, but realizing his immaturity, she longs for him to be able to grow up, even a little bit, so they can be on the same level. While Wendy doesn’t initially want to grow up, she realizes that it’s the healthy thing to do, and that there are other, different joys to be had as an adult, even if she doesn’t fully understand what those are. I do not think Neverland would be the last magical world Peter would find, if he had the courage to leave it. As an adult, there are plenty of wonders to discover and exult in, if one looks with the right eye and mindset.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Life as we WANT it

How many of us remember growing up and going through school & college & university?

Do you remember what it was like? Do you remember all the dreams you had & what you wanted to do with your life when you completed that diploma or degree?

How many of us wanted to come out of college & change the world & make it a better place? Or wanting to get married & have kids & wanting to change the way people did things? How many of us wanted to change our OWN lives to be able to afford what we never had growing up? Do you remember the promises you made and the hopes you held within those sacred walls deep in your heart? Do you remember the house you wanted to live in & the car you hoped to drive in & show off to your friends someday? And yearning for a life full of adventure & promise!


And how many of us have abandon those stories & dreams now? I think many of us, when we cross the divide between work & study, will give up on those pursuits. When we get into the middle of it all and realize that it was so much harder than we thought. We couldn't see the distant shore anymore, and we kept asking ourselves if our paddling was actually moving us forward or back. None of the trees we see on the promise land were getting bigger or even smaller but we just seem to keep on paddling & paddling & paddling. That's life.

No one has it easy although it may not seem so to certain people we know. We long for their lives & their jobs & their cars & clothes, but we long for it not out of jealousy but to fulfill our own needs, our wants to have a better life. The desire is not wrong. It's just that some of us have to paddle harder than others.

As an idealist, I have always felt that we should not give up on our dreams despite the odds. That hardwork, perseverance & attitude will chart our destiny. That money isn't everything. Easier said than done, right? - To be honest, when times are hardest & I find myself at my lowest, I often question my beliefs & even my own capabilities. The most difficult & embarrassing thing a man has to endure is the inability to protect his loved one(s). It breaks a man to know that. It shatters him. Yes, money isn't everything.. it just helps when you have plenty. And at so many times, that is enough.

But what has a man got if not hope? If we lose our drive, we will see no value in life. And when we see no value in life, we cease to fight for a better future. Futures are designed from hope but built by character. Our values are what keeps us sane & focused. I choose not to give up or compare myself with others despite the challenges. I know that things are difficult now, that at my age I should be at the top of the rat race. I blame no one but myself because these are the outcomes of decisions I made earlier. And so I have to paddle harder & faster than everyone else. For the person that is in her/his 20's, you are still very young. Life is tough & we rarely get what we want. But I say to you: hold on, dream big & act accordingly. Even winters will pass in time. Sometimes we see no way out from our situations and we can do nothing but hang on to hope like a piece of wood floating in the ocean waiting for help... and that is exactly what we must do at times. It's the only thing we CAN do. Think about it: We are already in that situation. Only going back in time will change that. And that in itself it impossible (for now!). Take time out to cry, to shout, to despair, but not for too long because life goes on & believe it or not, we not only live for ourselves, but also for those who love & cherish us. Being sad is inevitable, being miserable is by choice. Some smart-a** out there will think that they are better than you; that they are right and you are wrong. And you might just believe them. Others will always have an opinion about everything. But people with ambition don't give a damn about what others think about them! Many times I feel like an outcast - If not for my deep-rooted values and old fashioned views, then for who I am proud to be. Racially abused for my ethnicity, ridiculed for my background, looked down upon for my economical status, I've heard and been through it all. Trust me, it still hurts & the pain lingers behind the laughter and the jokes.

I know, everyone leads a different life, & life itself deals each different cards. Each person has a story to tell. But we are all paddling in the same direction. And if you have someone to paddle alongside you, it makes the journey all the more worthwhile even if you don't get to where you wanted to. That is something even money can't buy.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

The ravings of a lunatic!

As I lay on my bed, staring pensively at the ceiling, my thoughts are everywhere & thus depriving me of my much needed sleep! But what could possibly be playing on my mind at 1.30am?!! - Lots. 

Maybe it's the situation I'm in now or maybe I'm just a cursed thinker. I think too much - that's for sure. But I really can't help it. It's just... ME! I can't seem to turn it off even if I want to. Hahaha...

I can't believe my mind couldn't possibly pick a better time to be so philosophical. Has it got to be now? - Who am I kidding? It's not just now, many things have been swirling in my head for some time.. just screaming to get out. 

There are many things I wanna get off my chest & I should too! So many opinions, and thoughts, and feelings of insecurity, anger and guilt, on so many issues. Where do I stand on this? What do I think of that? I understand that what I think (and feel) & how I do things are not necessarily applicable to everyone.. but I just want to break down, rave like an absolute lunatic about how life can be such a b*tch for about 10 good minutes, collect myself & put the pieces back together again (with a helping hand from someone special) & then get on with life.


Sounds weird right? Life has never been fair & it's tough on everyone at some point. It breaks us, toys with our emotions, and spits us back out again. But, it's good to just fall apart once in a while on your own, just so that you can clean the parts, put it back together again & move forward stronger. 

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A Valentine's Day Message

February 14th is here again... Valentine's Day. 

A day for couples, of mushy messages, over-priced flowers and designer chocolates (or in today's trend... designer handbags, earrings, dresses, shoes, etc.). It sounds commercialized, and it ACTUALLY is, but what's the significance anyway?

I guess many just join in the celebrations without giving much thought into the essence of it all - the relationship itself. I'm no expert on the subject, trust me, but in the middle of the hustle & bustle of life, I do know 1 thing - if you wanna make it work, then it takes a lot of effort, a pinch of tolerance & understanding, and a spoonful of humor.  


Relationships, like all things, needs nurturing. I mean, how many of us have fallen into the trap of being mundane? We get so comfortable with our other half that we completely forget how it used to be. The passion fades away and sometimes holding a normal conversation with him/her will seem so hard. The world takes a lot out of us daily; it drains our energy and sometimes even our soul for the never-ending pursuit of wealth and luxury. And there are also some people who work so hard just to get by. 

At the end of the day, do we really need to put in that extra, say 5%, just to make our relationships work? Isn't working hard & slogging it out day in and day out enough to show you care? Although many things are judged on how much you have in your wallet, not every thing can be valued so. Working hard and earning mega bucks doesn't show how much you care; it just means you're good at your job. And if you have a family, it becomes your obligation. We each have choices in our life regardless of who you are or where you're from. The ability to affect your life and the life of another lies within us and not on external factors. If you want to make things work, you have got to go out there and prove it by actually doing something. 

So... to the guys out there: don't take your woman for granted. They gave you their heart and trusted you not to break it. It's something they value very much.

And to the girls: don't take advantage of your man. They don't owe you anything. Although you settled for him in the midst of searching for Prince Charming, please remember that you might not be Snow White either. As much as you accepted him for what he is, so did he with all your flaws and pimples as well.

So value your other half and make a difference... not because you should, but because you can.