This year has been a year of challenges, a real test of resolve. A year that's proven to be a humbling, yet rewarding experience. However, I constantly find myself caught in 2 minds: To go on & tread a path to endless possibilities, of which, one could be failure. Or... to say "enough!" & go back to the mundane securities of employment. The motivation for both ideals vary from what I want & what I need.
I want a life, a future, that's not bound by financial restrictions. But at an "old" age of 31, I need a life that's stable.. now. There are things & a very important person I want in my life at this moment. My heart aches for both ideals and yet, only one can be attained in the short-term. I know rushing things won't do any good.. to me or the people around me. As the situation stands, it's been stressful beyond imagine. With no outlet I can afford to release my tensions to. No holiday to ease the mind. No one to work with, to call a colleague. No one to share the workload. There's just work and worry in a 200 sq. ft. enclosed office with no window. I enjoy the process, the experience, the opportunity to build something for myself & for the future. But it's so darn difficult. I know that without this "difficulty" there wouldn't be any value in success.. whenever it may be.
My mind often wanders in between what might have been and what will be. I'm confused. I constantly find myself breaking down in silence and waking up at night literally sweating in fear of tomorrow. I anger easily. I lose control. I cry. I become paranoid almost automatically. I hurt inside & plaster the cracks with a smile. I keep all this feelings & frustrations under lock and key despite them screaming to come out. I bury my sorrow deep within my soul, thinking that this is the noblest thing to do. And so, I've lost myself. Life can come out at us from the darkness. And at times we struggle to find the courage to face it.
What could be worse? - I've pushed the one person I've truly ever loved further & further away by taking out my frustrations and my selfish, twisted jealousies on her. Just because I'm unable to enjoy what life has to offer now, doesn't mean you should not as well. There can never be a greater injustice to one individual. And I'm guilty of it.
I know that you're reading this & I don't know if what I'm doing now is the right thing to do. I'm prepared for the consequences, whatever they may be. But I need to get this off my chest & writing is what I've always done best. All I know is I owe you a sincere apology because I do not want to lose what we use to have. You have been supportive, understanding and tolerant throughout all this. You have loved unconditionally and it has been my bedrock, my strength.. I fear nothing. You are a shining example of an A-class partner. These have been your greatest trademarks. Values which I fell for & appreciate very much.
Therefore, I hold both my hands up and say "I'm sorry dear". I know it doesn't make up for the many things you had to go through, but I hope it will go some way in making a fresh start. The look in your eyes not only reflects hurt but disappointment as well. I want you to know that it causes me so much pain to look into those same hazel brown eyes which had enthralled me these 3 years. So just 3 simple words won't do. An apology is nothing without remorse. I will change. I need to. Being your (super)man, I must! I live my life not only for myself. You know, I used to believe in that, and now, I have to believe in it again. Life is tough at the moment. It's pushing pretty hard. But it's time I take a step outside of the person I've been these past few months & remember the person I was meant to be. The person I wanted to be. The person I am.
