Battling Demons..

Tumultuous. Crazy. Depressed.

That pretty much sums up last week. Why do people react without even the slightest regard of the consenquences?

Experience makes us react & bonds that we’ve forged make it even harder to consider anything else beyond what we see or know deep down. Rage, bitterness, sadness clouds our judgement.And the worst of these is sadness – a sorrow so heavy that it eats away inside and pollutes your soul with wild thoughts of could-be’s and maybe’s. Most people never meant what they did or said – nobody ever does. Do we regret it? – Most of us do. How many reactions were planned?! If it was, then we have another word for that – it’s called execution.

But we are judged by how we react. The reasons and regrets are never considered. Why? Shouldn’t the root be explored? Isn’t prevention better than cure? Life moves on they say. It moves on. True. But it also carries with it the stains of yesterday, nicely smudged on the sheets of tomorrow. Honesty & sincerity are dead because people on the other side of the fence are usually happy where they are; only occassionally peering over to see how you’re doing but never asking how they can help you cross over. Of course they always say they sympathize with you and they understand, etc. But do they really? Because “sympathize” and “understand” are both verbs which are doing words that describe an action. Sometimes a caring word, a concerned text or a simple phone call means so much more than we think.

“Hey, how about stepping over to the other side? – No thanks, although I KNOW what you’re going through. I’m fine here with the rest of humanity and you shouldn’t be p*ssed off you’re on the other side all alone. I don’t see why you should be p*ssed in the first place!”

I’m not a bitter-angst-filled individual riled by the unfairness of life. I learned long ago that life’s a b*tch. The world is owned by the loud, the brash, & the socially manipulative. The quiet and passive are always forgotten while the fools are always taken advantage of. That is the way it has always been & I don’t see it changing in my lifetime. I am not a saint nor am I absolved from any wrongdoing myself. In fact, I am guilty of committing some of the worst and most distasteful acts of social terrorism (if you can call it that) for which I am not proud of – at all!

I am afraid really. I am afraid of turning into the very demon I have battled vicariously from surfacing. I am afraid of losing the people around me for the things I have (or have not) done. Most importantly, I am afraid of being a hypocrite of action.