A Tale of 2 Citizens

"A citizen accepts personal responsibility for the safety of the body politic, of which he is a member, defending it, if need be, with his life.."

As May 5th draws near, you can feel the "heat" everywhere you go. A sea of blue, white and red flags have blanketed my beautiful island. Supporters from each side have upped the ante and comments, criticism and facebook posts have been flying about like a high school food fight.

Normally, I would stay out of this by giving my two cents worth only to those who are close. It's not that I'm afraid. I would refrain from making any comments publicly for fear of it being viewed or thought of as insulting because I have friends and acquaintances from various backgrounds and ethnicity which I value very much. But a certain FB status from a friend recently stuck out like a sore thumb. It was, in a way, insulting. But the thing that struck me behind that post was how ignorant she was & how the situation has been manipulated to incite fear and hatred.

Why am I speaking out now? 

Simple: I love my country. I love everything about it. It's food. It's ethnic diversity. It's culture. I like having friends from different backgrounds and visiting them during festivals. I like hanging out at my favorite mamak stall. I like the fact that we can sit and chat despite our differences in color and religion. That's what we need to defend.

So I'll tell it as I see it, and this may not go down well with everyone.. for that I apologize.

In recent weeks, since the announcement, we have seen so many "ceramah" from all parties. I've been to a few, I've heard from both sides. The current coalition promotes stability and track record at the forefront of its’ campaign. Nobody can deny that in the 55 years since we've achieved independence, our country has developed under their leadership. But it amazes me then when their candidates and coalition leaders are resorting to race-based scare tactics to win over voters. One says that a vote for DAP is a vote for PAS. Another says that if PR wins, the rights of my Muslim brothers and sisters will not be protected. Is that really necessary? Is it even true? Especially more so in a multi-cultural country like ours where a Chinese man is happy to eat at a Malay stall with his Indian counterpart – just like me! They speak of protecting rights. But what are they really protecting? - Our rights or their privileges?

The last year or so have seen massive changes and developments in the country. Then why are the rakyat, or a part of it, is insisting for a change? Is it because too many "coincidences" have happened? Is it because some want a fair and equal opportunity to success? Is it because the rakyat are fed up of the cronyism? Whatever the reasons, the wave of change or “UBAH” is picking up speed very fast. Take Penang for instance. Beautiful island, great food, historically rich as it is diversified. But why offer us a Free Port status now? It’s great news for Penang with all the benefits it will bring. Better late than never, some might say. However, will the Federal Government, if it happens to be BN, continue to grant us this privilege even if the state government happens to be from the Opposition? True development starts with equal treatment and the sincerity to serve.

This election is not a battle of races. It's not about the winning party infringing on your rights as a citizen. It shouldn’t be so. For me, if your constituency's rep is not effective, then vote him/her out. Give another candidate a chance. It's not about which party he or she is from. Malaysia was born from the blood, sweat, tears and sacrifice of all our forefathers who marched hand-in-hand, from the poor Malay farmer to the struggling Chinese trader to the Indian labourer that came here to seek better opportunities. They laid down their lives to protect this country and made it great because they wanted a land they can call their home, and that still continues to this day. But many have forgotten this. I hope you have not.

So this coming GE, cast aside your prejudices, and vote from the heart. And whatever results it may bring, let us embrace it & work together towards a better future not just for ourselves, but for future generations to come, just like what our forefathers did for us.

Figuring things out for yourself is the only freedom anyone really has. Use that freedom. Make your own choice.

Reflections

I've said many things before. I've shared my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations, where I want to be, and I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you want them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure.

Life is funny sometimes. It can push pretty hard, kicks you down & beats you up. Especially when we let it. And you can always think of reasons to give up. But those are choices we have to deal with everyday. 

It gets pretty intricate when the choices you make affect others too.

People are going to disappoint you; I get that. But what if you wake up one day & realize that you're the disappointment?

Things aren't always going to be fair in the real world, that's just the way it is, but for the most part you get what you give. What's worse: not getting everything you wished for or getting it but finding out it's not enough?

I can think of so many moments that will forever be a part of me. Even bad ones. You can't really choose what is going to change you, and shape you, and stun you.. but you can change who you are after. I think the hardest thing to do is to not be jaded by the bad times and still believe.

The things I want to say but never could

I think I'm pretty good at it now. Saying it over and over again. It's the only thing I've done well for the past 10 months. In fact, it's the only thing I know how to do in the past 10 months!

This year has been a year of challenges, a real test of resolve. A year that's proven to be a humbling, yet rewarding experience. However, I constantly find myself caught in 2 minds: To go on & tread a path to endless possibilities, of which, one could be failure. Or... to say "enough!" & go back to the mundane securities of employment. The motivation for both ideals vary from what I want & what I need.

I want a life, a future, that's not bound by financial restrictions. But at an "old" age of 31, I need a life that's stable.. now. There are things & a very important person I want in my life at this moment. My heart aches for both ideals and yet, only one can be attained in the short-term. I know rushing things won't do any good.. to me or the people around me. As the situation stands, it's been stressful beyond imagine. With no outlet I can afford to release my tensions to. No holiday to ease the mind. No one to work with, to call a colleague. No one to share the workload. There's just work and worry in a 200 sq. ft. enclosed office with no window. I enjoy the process, the experience, the opportunity to build something for myself & for the future. But it's so darn difficult. I know that without this "difficulty" there wouldn't be any value in success.. whenever it may be.

My mind often wanders in between what might have been and what will be. I'm confused. I constantly find myself breaking down in silence and waking up at night literally sweating in fear of tomorrow. I anger easily. I lose control. I cry. I become paranoid almost automatically. I hurt inside & plaster the cracks with a smile. I keep all this feelings & frustrations under lock and key despite them screaming to come out. I bury my sorrow deep within my soul, thinking that this is the noblest thing to do. And so, I've lost myself. Life can come out at us from the darkness. And at times we struggle to find the courage to face it.

What could be worse? - I've pushed the one person I've truly ever loved further & further away by taking out my frustrations and my selfish, twisted jealousies on her. Just because I'm unable to enjoy what life has to offer now, doesn't mean you should not as well. There can never be a greater injustice to one individual. And I'm guilty of it.

I know that you're reading this & I don't know if what I'm doing now is the right thing to do. I'm prepared for the consequences, whatever they may be. But I need to get this off my chest & writing is what I've always done best. All I know is I owe you a sincere apology because I do not want to lose what we use to have. You have been supportive, understanding and tolerant throughout all this. You have loved unconditionally and it has been my bedrock, my strength.. I fear nothing. You are a shining example of an A-class partner. These have been your greatest trademarks. Values which I fell for & appreciate very much.

Therefore, I hold both my hands up and say "I'm sorry dear". I know it doesn't make up for the many things you had to go through, but I hope it will go some way in making a fresh start. The look in your eyes not only reflects hurt but disappointment as well. I want you to know that it causes me so much pain to look into those same hazel brown eyes which had enthralled me these 3 years. So just 3 simple words won't do. An apology is nothing without remorse. I will change. I need to. Being your (super)man, I must! I live my life not only for myself. You know, I used to believe in that, and now, I have to believe in it again. Life is tough at the moment. It's pushing pretty hard. But it's time I take a step outside of the person I've been these past few months & remember the person I was meant to be. The person I wanted to be. The person I am.

Just 1

So she's off to Korea on a company trip.. and I'm stuck here in Penang.

For the most part, I'm happy coz it's gonna be an opportunity for her to see new places, experience new tastes, and just break free from everything here for the moment. Besides, she deserves it after what she's been through in the past 10 months! And that's what I constantly tell myself too in between my incessant worrying & sleepless nights.

But in reality, this is the loneliest I've been for a long, long time. 

If you think this entry is meant to reflect my clingy-ness & pathetic wallowing in self-despair at being left at home, then it is far from it. Instead it is an appreciation for someone whose presence makes my world meaningful.

We often take the people around us for granted & only realize how important they are until we find ourselves without them. Not me. I know how important she is. And I miss it. I miss everything about her... her laugh, her smile, her innocence,the warm feeling of her palm on my cheek, her fingers running through whatever hair I have left on my head, even her bite on my shoulders, everything. When she's around, everything just falls into place; chaos becomes control, and life has meaning beyond your own. I see things differently. I think differently. And I act with regards for others. I become more than just a man, I become a person of value.

We underestimate the influence of 1 person. But it usually only takes 1 person to affect the course of a life or a lifetime. Even the history books will tell you that's true - Helen of Troy, Joan of Arc, Nefertiti of Egypt, just to name a few. 

There are close to 7 billion people in the world at the moment. But right now, all I need is 1.

A series of unfortunate events

Here I am, writing an entry, hoping that everything will go smoothly from here on.

Where do I even begin?

For starters, I woke up to the nice smell of sausages with freshly cooked scrambled eggs & melted cheese only to find out that we had no bread to eat it with. And so I waited for the delivery guy (my younger brother) to buy a loaf from the 7-11 store only to finally have my breakfast which by now was cold & icky.

This was then followed by my routine 30-minute exercise and fitness session which I've neglected for a week. Healthy right? Only problem was I sprained my back slightly as I was just into the first 10 minutes. Damn!

Next up was work. A scheduled meeting couldn't be that bad... except that the event I am currently working on is not getting the response I had hoped for & could possibly end up being scraped!!! A change of plans perhaps? *Sigh*

After that, I made my way down to the MPPP to pay my parking fine despite many telling me not to. Afterall, the officer who issued the ticket said I would just have to pay RM7.50 if I settled the fine within 7 days. Why not eh? When I got to the counters, I had 20 people before me waiting.. at 10.30am!!! Doesn't anyone work? Luckily the counters were efficient & within 30 minutes (or less) it came to my turn. The young lady at the counter then told me the fine was RM10. Ohhhhkayyy... I told her the officer said it was only RM7.50 if I paid within a week. She said that's true, but the date I was supposed to pay on was yesterday. Fine! RM10 it was then.. no big deal.

At this point, I was still being optimistic about how the day would pan out.

I arrived safely at the office and went about doing my work, thankfully without any further fuss. Lunch time proved another matter altogether. As I packed up for lunch, I was also bursting to go to the toilet. And when I got in to do my business, the zipper wouldn't budge! The darn thing was stuck. By now I was consumed by hunger & the need to pee.. badly! Anyway, I tugged and pulled and finally it budged! The excitement was short-lived as it only came down a quarter of the way, leaving me to wriggle out of my pants to heed nature's call. It was not a pretty sight but I'll leave that to your vivid imaginations.

A quick lunch was followed by more work at the office. Usually I'd take a walk out for a good few minutes at least every hour to stretch. During one of these walks I suddenly realized the other guy that I was sharing the office unit with had locked me in! And he had applied the combination lock on the front door. Arrrggghhhh!!!! Thank goodness I have a beautiful saviour to come rescue me.

Now I'm just waiting for my saviour and praying nothing else happens.

The storm

I can feel the weight bearing down on me,
Breaking my back
Slowly, painfully, surely
How do I know when
is it time for me to put it down?

I'm duty-bound
by words,
by deeds,
by promises
All of which have not come to pass
I am ashamed
for it was made of hope
and in great passion,
not in haste & ignorance

So I push on
into the storm
my body ravaged by the wet & cold
as the raindrops beat mercilessly on my body
My fingers are numb
my legs sore
my mind disillusioned
"I must go on!"

And then, I look back
and see
wolves preying
lurking,
waiting in the dark
some in sheep's clothing
to pounce on my possessions
like cattle to the slaughter
They care not
who you are
as long as appetites are whetted

At the crossroads
I look forward
and know the risks
But I look back
and know I risk even more

Being Peter Pan

What sort of boy is Peter Pan? The kind whose coming causes winter to flee and flowers to spring into bloom, whose sorrow causes the clouds to curl and the seas to wail, and whose sheer joy causes the sun to rise after a long night. He's sharp, wild, and tempestuous. He can crow in joy, wail in despair, and steel himself in heartbreak. He’s easily offended, but quickly forgives. Death holds no horrors for him, but loneliness is unbearable. He knows endless ways to fight and escape the pirates, but can’t acknowledge his own emotions, which are begging him to let them grow into maturity, to usher him into adulthood.

I am sure I am not the only one who, as a boy, longed to be Peter Pan and live forever in Neverland. In a way we're very much alike. But there is always a tragic, melancholic tint to the end of his story. By refusing to leave Neverland and grow up, he denies himself true love and the true potential which he has - which irks Wendy. She is entranced by Pan, but realizing his immaturity, she longs for him to be able to grow up, even a little bit, so they can be on the same level. While Wendy doesn’t initially want to grow up, she realizes that it’s the healthy thing to do, and that there are other, different joys to be had as an adult, even if she doesn’t fully understand what those are. I do not think Neverland would be the last magical world Peter would find, if he had the courage to leave it. As an adult, there are plenty of wonders to discover and exult in, if one looks with the right eye and mindset.

Life as we WANT it

How many of us remember growing up and going through school & college & university?

Do you remember what it was like? Do you remember all the dreams you had & what you wanted to do with your life when you completed that diploma or degree?

How many of us wanted to come out of college & change the world & make it a better place? Or wanting to get married & have kids & wanting to change the way people did things? How many of us wanted to change our OWN lives to be able to afford what we never had growing up? Do you remember the promises you made and the hopes you held within those sacred walls deep in your heart? Do you remember the house you wanted to live in & the car you hoped to drive in & show off to your friends someday? And yearning for a life full of adventure & promise!

And how many of us have abandon those stories & dreams now? I think many of us, when we cross the divide between work & study, will give up on those pursuits. When we get into the middle of it all and realize that it was so much harder than we thought. We couldn't see the distant shore anymore, and we kept asking ourselves if our paddling was actually moving us forward or back. None of the trees we see on the promise land were getting bigger or even smaller but we just seem to keep on paddling & paddling & paddling. That's life.

No one has it easy although it may not seem so to certain people we know. We long for their lives & their jobs & their cars & clothes, but we long for it not out of jealousy but to fulfill our own needs, our wants to have a better life. The desire is not wrong. It's just that some of us have to paddle harder than others.

As an idealist, I have always felt that we should not give up on our dreams despite the odds. That hardwork, perseverance & attitude will chart our destiny. That money isn't everything. Easier said than done, right? - To be honest, when times are hardest & I find myself at my lowest, I often question my beliefs & even my own capabilities. The most difficult & embarrassing thing a man has to endure is the inability to protect his loved one(s). It breaks a man to know that. It shatters him. Yes, money isn't everything.. it just helps when you have plenty. And at so many times, that is enough.

But what has a man got if not hope? If we lose our drive, we will see no value in life. And when we see no value in life, we cease to fight for a better future. Futures are designed from hope but built by character. Our values are what keeps us sane & focused. I choose not to give up or compare myself with others despite the challenges. I know that things are difficult now, that at my age I should be at the top of the rat race. I blame no one but myself because these are the outcomes of decisions I made earlier. And so I have to paddle harder & faster than everyone else. For the person that is in her/his 20's, you are still very young. Life is tough & we rarely get what we want. But I say to you: hold on, dream big & act accordingly. Even winters will pass in time. Sometimes we see no way out from our situations and we can do nothing but hang on to hope like a piece of wood floating in the ocean waiting for help... and that is exactly what we must do at times. It's the only thing we CAN do. Think about it: We are already in that situation. Only going back in time will change that. And that in itself it impossible (for now!). Take time out to cry, to shout, to despair, but not for too long because life goes on & believe it or not, we not only live for ourselves, but also for those who love & cherish us. Being sad is inevitable, being miserable is by choice. Some smart-a** out there will think that they are better than you; that they are right and you are wrong. And you might just believe them. Others will always have an opinion about everything. But people with ambition don't give a damn about what others think about them! Many times I feel like an outcast - If not for my deep-rooted values and old fashioned views, then for who I am proud to be. Racially abused for my ethnicity, ridiculed for my background, looked down upon for my economical status, I've heard and been through it all. Trust me, it still hurts & the pain lingers behind the laughter and the jokes.

I know, everyone leads a different life, & life itself deals each different cards. Each person has a story to tell. But we are all paddling in the same direction. And if you have someone to paddle alongside you, it makes the journey all the more worthwhile even if you don't get to where you wanted to. That is something even money can't buy.

The ravings of a lunatic!

As I lay on my bed, staring pensively at the ceiling, my thoughts are everywhere & thus depriving me of my much needed sleep! But what could possibly be playing on my mind at 1.30am?!! - Lots. 

Maybe it's the situation I'm in now or maybe I'm just a cursed thinker. I think too much - that's for sure. But I really can't help it. It's just... ME! I can't seem to turn it off even if I want to. Hahaha...

I can't believe my mind couldn't possibly pick a better time to be so philosophical. Has it got to be now? - Who am I kidding? It's not just now, many things have been swirling in my head for some time.. just screaming to get out. 

There are many things I wanna get off my chest & I should too! So many opinions, and thoughts, and feelings of insecurity, anger and guilt, on so many issues. Where do I stand on this? What do I think of that? I understand that what I think (and feel) & how I do things are not necessarily applicable to everyone.. but I just want to break down, rave like an absolute lunatic about how life can be such a b*tch for about 10 good minutes, collect myself & put the pieces back together again (with a helping hand from someone special) & then get on with life.

Sounds weird right? Life has never been fair & it's tough on everyone at some point. It breaks us, toys with our emotions, and spits us back out again. But, it's good to just fall apart once in a while on your own, just so that you can clean the parts, put it back together again & move forward stronger. 

A Valentine's Day Message

February 14th is here again... Valentine's Day. 

A day for couples, of mushy messages, over-priced flowers and designer chocolates (or in today's trend... designer handbags, earrings, dresses, shoes, etc.). It sounds commercialized, and it ACTUALLY is, but what's the significance anyway?

I guess many just join in the celebrations without giving much thought into the essence of it all - the relationship itself. I'm no expert on the subject, trust me, but in the middle of the hustle & bustle of life, I do know 1 thing - if you wanna make it work, then it takes a lot of effort, a pinch of tolerance & understanding, and a spoonful of humor.  

Relationships, like all things, needs nurturing. I mean, how many of us have fallen into the trap of being mundane? We get so comfortable with our other half that we completely forget how it used to be. The passion fades away and sometimes holding a normal conversation with him/her will seem so hard. The world takes a lot out of us daily; it drains our energy and sometimes even our soul for the never-ending pursuit of wealth and luxury. And there are also some people who work so hard just to get by. 

At the end of the day, do we really need to put in that extra, say 5%, just to make our relationships work? Isn't working hard & slogging it out day in and day out enough to show you care? Although many things are judged on how much you have in your wallet, not every thing can be valued so. Working hard and earning mega bucks doesn't show how much you care; it just means you're good at your job. And if you have a family, it becomes your obligation. We each have choices in our life regardless of who you are or where you're from. The ability to affect your life and the life of another lies within us and not on external factors. If you want to make things work, you have got to go out there and prove it by actually doing something. 

So... to the guys out there: don't take your woman for granted. They gave you their heart and trusted you not to break it. It's something they value very much.

And to the girls: don't take advantage of your man. They don't owe you anything. Although you settled for him in the midst of searching for Prince Charming, please remember that you might not be Snow White either. As much as you accepted him for what he is, so did he with all your flaws and pimples as well.

So value your other half and make a difference... not because you should, but because you can. 

This is my December!

Today, 1st December, marks the beginning of the end to 2011. We are left with a mere 31 days and counting to the start of a new year, new promises & renewed hope.

But the focus should not be on the coming year. No, not yet!

For me, I view the next 31 days as the most crucial time of the year. Simply put, we have 31 days to make the most of 2011 so that we may leave it as we see fit. For those who've had a tough year, you can either reflect on the past 11 months and spend the remaining days cursing your luck while the clock ticks down on your precious time, OR you can make use of these 31 days to make plans for the next year with optimism. For those who've enjoyed the past 11 months of their life, make it 12 & bring that joy into the next year.

You see, we decide how we want to live our life, how we want to start new years and end the old ones. It's too easy for us to be judgemental and cynical towards life. We always complain & linger over the past without ever looking forward, constantly looking back over our shoulders. Before we know it, we've never really enjoyed the scenery that passes us by on our journey. Sceneries that include family, friends and moments that can never be repeated.

For me, I'm going to try and make the most of the next 31 days. How about you?

I wanna be like Xavi Hernandez!

The supreme playmaker, the ultimate midfield maestro, the heart-beat of La Barca...

Every touch sublime, every turn an art, every pass an opportunity...

And every time I play, I just wanna forget my defensive instincts and just become the conductor, with the field as my stage and my team-mates as my orchestra. Unfortunately, I lack the opportunity and the ability. So I try to emulate another one of my footballing heroes - Alessandro Nesta. Hahahaha...

Age has not been kind to me physically with 2 injury ravaged ankles although I long to play with the enthusiasm of a 16 year old, the stamina of a 24 year old and the brains of a 30 year old. One out of 3 ain't that bad eh? No prizes for guessing which of the 3.

Standing at only 1.70m & weighing in at 66kg, what exactly makes Xavi stand out above the rest? - It's his vision and composure on the ball. No other midfielder exudes such a class post-Zidane. His awareness is simply superb, picking out team-mates almost instinctively, whether it's for Barca or La Rojas. That is why those 2 teams often struggle for ideas whenever he's unavailable.. such is his influence.

Sigh... Perhaps in 8 years time when I qualify to play for the veterans I may just get an opportunity to perform like Xavi. Until then, I have another 8 years to fine-tune my abilities!!!

KO-ed!

Ramblers SC will NOT, for the first time in 4 years, feature in the Chinese League Quarter-finals after a shock 1-0 defeat to Nibong Tebal United.

After 4 successive campaigns culminating in 3 quarter-finals and 1 semi-final appearance, the boys in blue failed to live up to their reputation in a difficult group comprising CRC, Timuran, Anak Malaysia, Bintang Baru, PYFC, Inpro SC & NT United. And I was devastated as anyone with the loss.

This year we had a good blend of youth and experience as we racked up 10 points from the first 5 games & sitting pretty at the top. So what went wrong? I am not here to find a scape-goat or to point fingers and create a hugeeee fuss but this is just my take on the entire tournament:

1. Formation & tactics - the essence of any team. Did we get it right? What were they in the first place? We didn't seem to have a style of play nor did we have any idea of what to do when we had the ball. Players were too static and the on-field movements weren't enough. We just didn't move as a unit from the back to the front. Too many loose balls were lost to the opposition as well. We played a 4-4-2 but we didn't understand how to play with the formation, to use its' strength and deal with its' weakness. All we knew was to fight and pump the ball forward. We were a good team because of it, but sadly we never looked like champions. Poay and Chien were the central cogs in a good machine but they struggled to impose themselves at times because the players around them couldn't adapt. That limited their creativity. There was no pass-and-move game( which they were more suited to). Brian Clough once said "Football is a simple game. You get the ball, pass and then move" We were definitely lacking that. 
2. Wing play - The absence of Ming on the wings was another deciding factor as he provides us with electrifying pace on the sides. The wingers seemed short of ideas and were mostly lost. In a 4-4-2, the wingers are to tuck in when we're defending and then move out wide when we attack. They also have the option to cross or cut in and shoot or pass but the decision to do so must be made prior to receiving the ball. There wasn't a change of pace or turn as well as they didn't know how to utilize their power, often wasting it on chasing lost causes and then burning out when we lost the ball. Their recovery was slow to say the least and this left the fullbacks exposed on many occasions. We conceded too many goals because of attacks from the sides. We lacked awareness, had poor anticipation & no creativity from the wings.
3. Blooding youth - the youth players came in to the team as champions of their Youth League. However, there was just 1 highlight - this wasn't the Youth league, this was the SENIOR league. The game, the demands, the pace, everything was just different. We had standouts like Ti Wei, Benson & Li Yoong. They deserved they're place (even if it was, at times, because there were no other standouts in their position). I am confident the experience will do them good & they will mature as better players in time. But did we rely too much on youth? Especially when it came to subs? We had seasoned campaigners on the sidelines. Seniors who fought together for the past 5 years. I personally thought they should have been given a chance - utilized. Yesterday I saw a moment which kinda p*ssed me off: A senior player (with very good control and game smarts) had control of the ball on the byline but as he made his move, he was shouted from the sidelines to pass the ball to a junior player eventhough the senior had total control of the situation. Do we have so little faith on our seniors?

We lost the game and the tournament - that is a fact. But we can still build for tomorrow and come back stronger. We fight as a team, win as a team and we lose as a team as well. We can be stronger, better... The decision rests on the team.

Past, Present and Future

My energy & enthusiasm feels so distant at the moment. Like a million miles away. Light years even.


I feel tired.. close to the point of just letting go of most things. And yet, deep down, the terrier in me refuses to give in, believing that with every passing moment, with every brick that life throws at me, I will survive. I have done it before & I shall do it again. I look back at those moments with proud nostalgia, parading the scars like a war veteran. But with every passing moment and thrown brick, I grow weary as well. Perhaps it serves as a reminder that age is catching up on me. It's as if life's salty winds are slowly but surely corroding the metal that makes up my soul with every gush and blow.

How did it ever come to this? - I have no idea. All I do know is that we have no control over the things that life throws at us, but we are responsible for how we want to react to it. So far I've been trying my best to manage every aspect of my life.. My job, my family, my relationship, my friends.

Unfortunately, my job has not been a bed of roses this past year. Probably more thorns than roses! Switching companies and finding myself thrust into the fray with very little support and high expectations, lacking good direction (or any direction at all!!!) & bereft of positive motivation coupled with extremist demands from a short-sighted HQ is the highlight of my career. A bad experience I should say but an experience nevertheless and I believe that I've grown richer with it.

I'm now contemplating a switch.. again. However, the fear that I might not be able to accomplish or meet the requirements of the targeted position has been constantly playing on my mind. I want a change. I need a change. But is it the right change? Can I do it? There's only one way to find out I guess...

Life Lessons I Learned on the Football Field

"Sport doesn't build character; it reveals it"

It was pretty straight forward - win the game and we have 1 hand on the trophy. 


Our opponents for the evening were De'Shang Nite and because they were languishing in the final 8th spot for Cup qualification, they had to win this game too which made it all the more difficult.


As I prep-ed myself up in goal for the 1st of 2 title deciding clashes, I knew I had to focus. Unfortunately, just like the past few weeks, I found that (focus) hard to do. And so it showed. 


The first 20 minutes were purely CCFC and we kept them pinned in their own half with 2 well taken goals from forgotten-man Wei and veteran terrier Han. And it got even better when they were reduced to 10 men when their captain & centre back was sent off for a vicious lunge on wing wizard Ming. But then our midfield colossus Max went down injured shortly after and 10 crazy minutes turned the game completely on its head & in their favor!


The first was when I failed to commit to aerial combat from a freekick and although I parried a close range header away, the rebound fell to a lurking player at the near post and he gleefully slammed it home. The second was a comedy of sorts (tho I found nothing funny about it), when I let a speculative long range effort bounce in front of me and out of my reach into the net. The expression on my team-mates faces said it all. They were disgusted.. as was I. 


The second half was spent chasing for that elusive winning goal and thankfully Jerome hit the winner with his newly bought Adidas boots to cap off an exciting evening whilst my goal was being bombarded with shots, freekicks & taunts from rival players and supporters. Even Ah Han had a go at me a few times. The opponents smelled blood from my 2 mistakes and they took their chances however they could but thankfully we kept the score in our favor but most importantly, here's what I learned:




Life Lesson #1:
Everyone has good days and bad days. Sometimes we will even have terrible I-don't-wanna-come-out days. There's no science for predicting when this will happen but life needs to go on because we don't just live for ourselves, other people depend on us too. Although I had a rare off day, I just couldn't give up because my team-mates were also counting on me.


Life Lesson #2:
Everyone makes mistakes. Sh*t happens. Get over it! Instead of beating myself up over the first half, I decided to just get it together & it proved much better as I came out more confidently to collect crosses and even produced a 1-on-1 save! 


Life Lesson #3:
Don't hide behind excuses! When I made those 2 mistakes, I immediately blamed everyone except myself. I blamed the bad week, the poor defence, the pitch, etc. But what I soon realized was that in order for me to solve the problem, I had to face the problem - ME! If we hide behind excuses, we will never be able to move forward because we'll be stuck with the same mistakes time & again.


Life Lesson #4:
Never let external factors tell you that you're not good enough. I had a bunch of rival players and supporters taunting me for my mistakes throughout the entire 2nd half. Whenever people tell us that we're not good enough, we usually just cave in & feel demotivated. Instead, we should be showing them how good we are. If I had given in to their taunting, I'm sure we would have lost the game by a big margin.


Life Lesson #5:
Reputation means NOTHING! People take their places & position for granted. So what if you've been great?! So what if you're top of the league?! The effort you've put in to build that reputation means nothing if we don't try our best in everything we do. And for those who are not really there yet, don't give up! If we run helter skelter when faced with tougher opposition, whether it's external or within us, we will NEVER progress. It's all about ATTITUDE. 


Needless to say, I had a very tiring week and day. But I'm glad I was able to derive some life lessons from what I went through in yesterday's match. Now for the Championship!

Battling Demons..

Tumultuous. Crazy. Depressed.

That pretty much sums up last week. Why do people react without even the slightest regard of the consenquences?

Experience makes us react & bonds that we’ve forged make it even harder to consider anything else beyond what we see or know deep down. Rage, bitterness, sadness clouds our judgement.And the worst of these is sadness – a sorrow so heavy that it eats away inside and pollutes your soul with wild thoughts of could-be’s and maybe’s. Most people never meant what they did or said – nobody ever does. Do we regret it? – Most of us do. How many reactions were planned?! If it was, then we have another word for that – it’s called execution.

But we are judged by how we react. The reasons and regrets are never considered. Why? Shouldn’t the root be explored? Isn’t prevention better than cure? Life moves on they say. It moves on. True. But it also carries with it the stains of yesterday, nicely smudged on the sheets of tomorrow. Honesty & sincerity are dead because people on the other side of the fence are usually happy where they are; only occassionally peering over to see how you’re doing but never asking how they can help you cross over. Of course they always say they sympathize with you and they understand, etc. But do they really? Because “sympathize” and “understand” are both verbs which are doing words that describe an action. Sometimes a caring word, a concerned text or a simple phone call means so much more than we think.

“Hey, how about stepping over to the other side? – No thanks, although I KNOW what you’re going through. I’m fine here with the rest of humanity and you shouldn’t be p*ssed off you’re on the other side all alone. I don’t see why you should be p*ssed in the first place!”

I’m not a bitter-angst-filled individual riled by the unfairness of life. I learned long ago that life’s a b*tch. The world is owned by the loud, the brash, & the socially manipulative. The quiet and passive are always forgotten while the fools are always taken advantage of. That is the way it has always been & I don’t see it changing in my lifetime. I am not a saint nor am I absolved from any wrongdoing myself. In fact, I am guilty of committing some of the worst and most distasteful acts of social terrorism (if you can call it that) for which I am not proud of – at all!

I am afraid really. I am afraid of turning into the very demon I have battled vicariously from surfacing. I am afraid of losing the people around me for the things I have (or have not) done. Most importantly, I am afraid of being a hypocrite of action.

Private Education: Students Are NOT Dumb!

Another hectic period is just on the horizon as the SPM 2010 results will be released soon. And that means a lot of work for the people in my industry!

The private education industry is a booming business with more & more students opting to further their studies in a private college than risk their future in the STPM. Why? - Because in a nutshell, students either want to:

A. get "it" over with in a course/program of THEIR own CHOOSING or...

B. to experience the "razzle-and-dazzle" that comes with college life or...

C. they want to feel the need of belonging by following the choices made by friends

Regardless of the above, marketers in the industry are salivating over the prospects accessible to them as the potential is huge! It was definitely a different story 5-8 years back as the provisions from PTPTN were not accessible or not as EASILY available to students in the private colleges. Now, with the government's initiative to boost the level of education in Malaysia, everyone that qualifies for a course with a minimum of 3 credits & a pass in the BM exam for SPM can pursue a higher education qualification. 

Isn't that fantastic? - Absolutely!

It is no wonder then that private colleges are sprouting like mushrooms everywhere. In my home state of Penang, there are no less than 20 MAIN institutions offering programs in Business right up to Graphic Design or even Baking! And around these BIG players, there are the smaller ones whom are fighting & feeding off the scraps of what's left in an increasingly competitive market no matter if they are offering certificates, diplomas, degrees or even SKM courses.

It is precisely this reason that private education providers need to step up in their efforts to stand above the rest. It is no longer sufficient to base their A&P strategies on reputation & history alone. Or even fancy gimmicks & blanket strategies (i.e. blanketing the whole state with banners!). It's creative, it's good marketing but does it help you sell? Afterall, at the end of the day, colleges are judged by their enrollment numbers, not by the number of students who know who you are or who comes over for a visit. It's all about CLOSING that registration. Good marketing helps, but it takes more than that to boost numbers.

The Internet (Google & Facebook in particular) has shaped a whole different generation of students. Students whom are well-connected, whom are well-informed and most importantly, whom are NOT stupid! And it is sad that some colleges are still of the opposite opinion.

For me, I believe in 3 core values in a college's sales technique that paves the way to a successful enrollment:

1. Honesty - be truthful in everything that you say & do. Like I said, students are no longer the air-heads that colleges once perceived them to be. They can smell a lie if it's coming. And they will bite back harder if they find out that there were some indiscrepencies. You wouldn't like the impact it'll bring to your institution especially when freedom of speech is exactly that on the Internet (think Facebook, Blogs, Twitter!)
2. Sincerity - be genuine & they will ALWAYS come back. Even if they don't, they'll definitely refer friends. Make a little effort, smile, spend a bit more time on consulting that student and you will definitely reap the rewards
3. Confidence - confidence breeds success. If you're not confident in your product or your company, you will emit a not so favorable aura... and students as well as parents will see right through that. Why study in a place where even the marketer is not confident?

Consumers today are spoilt for choice. If you're not interested in their business, they will take it elsewhere. And it's the small details that make the difference between being good and being great. It's a numbers game in the end but wouldn't it be awesome if you had one that was as high as it could be?

Challenges

Phew...!!! It's been one helluva week. The whole place is so much different than the one I've been with for the past year. The culture. The people. Basically, the whole package! Hahaha... But that is to be expected when we move on at a new place. It's been challenging so far & I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that I can see this through.

I'm really, really, really hoping that I can do the job. I'm not usually someone who'll doubt my abilities but I think the fear of failing keeps creeping up behind me. Sigh...

 
BUT... that's also one of the things that motivates me!

Speaking of motivation, I think it's important to have things & especially people to motivate us. Not too long ago, I remember having very few motivational factors. And so I went thru (or wandered thru) life mostly aimless, clueless & occasionally restless. At times I still wallow in regret, albeit momentarily, for not turning my life around sooner. For being afraid to change.

They say experience is the best teacher & I certainly believe that's true. But there is another teacher that will continue to guide us. That reaches out to our needs. That picks us up & dusts us off when we fall. That whispers in our ear that things are gonna be alright. I'm lucky to have found that in someone that I continuously find myself falling for over & over again, every time we meet. And it's therein that I find the strength & courage to face life's challenges.

But now I better hit the sack or else my physical strength won't be able to match my emotional & mental strength!!!

Zzzz...

The Greatest Asset...

As I sit at my desk counting down the days until my departure, I can't help but feel a tad reluctant to leave. Unfortunately, things have already been set in motion and February 26th is the day.

I have enjoyed both a fantastic & enriching experience with the people around me. They say the greatest asset in any company is its' people - I couldn't agree more. It has made me realize the importance of treasuring the people who work with you everyday and these people I have come to know have been absolutely top-class. Donnie, Anwar, Mimi, Alex, Elaine, Wendy, Simon, Lynn & Jayne - I salute you & I am indebted to your friendship & camaraderie. There are many more who have touched my life but it is these few that "courageously" had to put up with me day in & day out :-)

I am not bitter about the events that have transpired over the past month. I choose to see things as clearly & as optimistic as I can. But I shall take with me the lessons learnt from an awkward situation where good judgment & basic common sense were missing.

I believe that great leaders are not made.. they are molded. And there is a thin line in simply being a good leader & a great one. Good one's are competent with their product knowledge, great one's are competent with relationships - No prizes for guessing which of the two will inspire better growth. 

In a world that has become so commercialized, where the client is also now the product, it is essential that we are led by leaders who care - And not only for their own pockets, benefit or status! Great leaders inspire.. they represent pillars of strength.. an avenue of hope. Good soldiers do not necessarily make fantastic generals. Likewise a top employee doesn't necessarily make a first class manager. But strong leadership can be forged..  as long as the person is keen & has an open mind, who is not afraid to make mistakes, who learns from it, and who puts the interest of other above his own.

The Typical Malaysian Chinese... And Proud Of It!

Since it's the Chinese New Year, I thought I'd come up with some traits that truly make us Malaysian Chinese a one-of-a-kind:

1. You love to talk about food. You're already thinking about what to have for dinner 

while eating lunch. "I'm stuffed. What shall we have for dinner?"
 

2. You dive into a communal-style meal the moment the dish lands on the table only to 

hesitate at the last morsel of food on the serving dish.

3. You seize the opportunity to make a U-turn anywhere ... especially where there is a 

sign telling you not to. Well, so long as the cops aren't in sight. 

4. You slow down at an accident site to take down the car number plate, but won't step 

out of your car to help - the victim could be a robber! 
 

5. You make an appointment for 10am and conveniently show up a half hour 

late - Malaysian  time, what ... 

6. You pop open the wet tissue packet at the Chinese restaurant by squeezing the trapped 

air to the top of the packet before proceeding to smash your fist into it. The louder the pop 

the better. 
 

7. You have roughly six meals a day (breakfast, mid-morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, 

dinner and supper). Then there's the snacking - chips, cookies, kuih and the like.
 

8. Your accent and language style vary according to the race of the person you are 

conversing with. 
 

9. You exclaim loudly how expensive everything is, even though the item may in fact be 

going for a steal. "Wah! So expensive, ah? Hak sei ngor (Scare me to death)!" 
 

10. You "dis" our country all the time, but as soon as something good happens (like 

winning the AFF Suzuki Cup), you morph into a proud Malaysian. 

11. You like to eat chicken feet.
 

12. You suck on fish heads and fish fins.
 

13. You have a Chinese knick-knack hanging on your rear view mirror.

14. You love to sing Karaoke no matter the occasion.
 
15. Your hair sticks up when you wake up.
 

16. You'll haggle over something that is not negotiable.
 

17. You love to use coupons and/or vouchers.
 
18. You can drive around for hours looking for the best parking space.
 

19. You tap the table when someone pours tea for you.

20. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can reuse the paper.
 

21. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table.
 
22. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.

23. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your mouth).
 

24. You don't own any real Tupperware - only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed 

margarine tubs, takeout containers,and jam jars.
 
25. You have a collection of miniature shampoo and lotion bottles that you take every 

time you stay in a hotel.
 

26. If you are male, you clap at something funny and if you are female,you giggle 

whilst placing a hand over your mouth.
 

25. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's 

midnight.
 
26. You starve yourself before going to all-you-can-eat places.
 
27. You own pirated VCDs or DVDs
 
28. Dinner always includes soup and you use a special extra large spoon just  for soup.

29. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you visit people's 

homes.

30. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

So there you have it folks! The top 30 of my list. I hope it gave you a hearty laugh this 

Chinese New Year.

[This list was made just for laughs & it was in no way meant to be offensive :-)]